Captains Shoot-Out 2012  ... as seen by your on course reporter

On May 5th, an elite field (!) set out on the Essex course overseen by Captain Peter Jackson with side-kick and fellow umpire Bob Bridges.  The weather was fair, the medal earlier had seen some scintillating golf and expectations of high cut-and thrust were at fever pitch....

Being the lowest handicapper, Paul Chamberlain was first to tee off but the shoot-out is no respecter of handicaps and Paul was also the first to crash out via the rough and greenside bunker.  Trevor Clifton was seen in the middle of the fairway off the tee (never before) whilst Chris Collinson and Mike Barker played out an interested side competition stalking each other down the left rough.

The second hole is a one-time nemesis for one player who greeted encouragement on the tee with good natured foul language. Elsewhere, Mike Barker did his best to mess things up but was out-done by Saleem sporting new heavenly hybrids but losing in a chip-off with a less than heavenly effort.

The third hole saw good drives by most although Chris Collinson paid a visit to the plantation that some people think may actually be in Suffolk.  It was then that Ray 'dead-eye' Charles decided to take out a small defenceless tree with several blows so powerful, Rooney would have been proud. Although Steve Foskett tried to save Ray's blushes a chip-off saw Ray bite the dust.

The fourth hole was made easier for most competitors by John Black visiting the water not once but twice.  Some say tiredness was kicking in as John was obviously weighed down by his roll-up winnings from the morning, the previous week and the week before - plus the guilt of only being cut by one shot.

It is widely understood by this elite field that to win a chip-off, it actually helps if you can chip.  The fifth hole saw a five-way chip-off and the ultimate in chipping ineptitude was demonstrated by Trevor Clifton.  Subsequent practice against barn doors has failed to improve matters.

This left Malcolm Knobel-Forbes, Chris Collinson, Graham Handscombe, Steve Foskett and Mike Barker to go down the sixth.  Malcolm's drive was as long as his name but poorly directly.  Although others tried to mess things up to show solidarity, Malcolm 'titlelist with an M on it' crashed out in yet another chip off.

Graham Handscombe lost the chip-off on the 7th - despite his fluorescent wood failing to dazzle the opposition into submission - a failed tactic attempted in the morning medal by an unnamed competitor sporting the latest in an eye-catching lime green shirt-trouser-shoe combo.

Three players were reduced to two when Steve Foskett finally proved human by three-putting the seventh green from 25 feet.

Those spectators still awake were at fever pitch (still) as Chris and Mike negotiated the ninth.  Mike - calm and controlled down the fairway and Chris slightly less so adopting a 'top and rough' strategy down the right.  What happened next will live in history for weeks.  Chris found the green from 200 yards and Mike's 100 yd pitching wedge sailed clean over the green and into the lake - no doubt helped on its way by gallons of adrenalin.

Chris two-putted to win the match - his second in this event.  Both spectators interviewed afterwards said that they'd definitively come back next year.